Guilt
by CatsbytheGreat
Summary: D'Artagnan feels the magnitude of killing in battle for the first time.


**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters. They are property of Alexandre Dumas. **

**Author's Note: I tried my best with the details of this, but I'm rather bad at time periods, even though I did some research. It might not be historically accurate, or even fit in with the time-line of the story as well as it should. If this is so, then I am sorry. But the main point of the story is not when it took place, but rather the feelings behind what took place. That said, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy!**

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**The fighting in La Rochelle lasted for quite a long time after d'Artagnan became a musketeer, and a little after the time that he had been commissioned to be a lieutenant.

The fighting naturally involved killing. D'Artagnan had killed before and he had killed often, running through many an unfortunate (but, he felt, deserving) soul with the point of his ever-active sword. His life having been in grave danger for a majority of his career, he never thought twice about those he had killed. It just seemed natural, a defense.

D'Artagnan did not understand why Porthos did not approve of the fighting in La Rochelle. He didn't understand why Aramis was always so worried about killing a civilian. (It was d'Artagnan's view that if the civilians were involved in the fighting, then it was their own fault they were killed.) He didn't understand why Athos seemed so guilty after the death of Milady, as if he had lowered the ax himself. (Although, Athos would insist that he was as good as her executioner.)

D'Artagnan was made to understand all of this quite unexpectedly, during the last days of the fighting in La Rochelle, when the musketeers were supposed to be wearing down their enemies. That day was bloody. D'Artagnan killed quite a few men that day, men who had done nothing to him, men who were simply on the wrong side. D'Artagnan did not think about it much during the fight, but after the fight the musketeers had time to themselves in a nearby inn.

Dinner was a subdued affair. Everyone was rather worn out; no one seemed to want to talk much. Only Porthos, always talkative, was engaged in a conversation two tables away.

This was an unfortunate thing; it meant that d'Artagnan had time to think, and his mind drifted to the most recent event—that is, the fighting which had occurred earlier that day. Something felt different when he thought about those men. His chest constricted. He felt guilty. He realised he felt guilty. With the silence, the guilt began to spread, and he became afraid, not knowing why he felt so guilty for killing men who did not matter to him. But they mattered to _someone_.

Quite unable to deal with these feelings on his own, d'Artagnan stood up and motioned for his two present friends—Athos and Aramis—to follow him.

This they did, quite readily. It seemed that they too did not like to be left alone with their thoughts. Especially Athos, who had much unpleasant things to think about. They went up to d'Artagnan's room, where d'Artagnan shut the door and motioned for his friends to sit on the bed. He remained standing, pacing.

Finally, he said, "Is it normal, to feel guilty after having killed in battle?"

Aramis and Athos looked at each other, almost as if they had expected this question and that it was long overdue.

"Yes," Aramis said, slowly. "The first few times. Actually, we thought you would never feel guilty. Some men do not ever experience it, and you had not until now."

"But why should I feel that way?"

Another glance, which brought another effort of explanation from Aramis. "To kill is to sin," he said. "At least, that is what the Church tells us, unless it is in self defense. Regarding war, well, wars that are just, in defense, are nothing to be guilty about. Wars that are unjust are a sin. But many believe that it matters not if you are a soldier, because you have been employed to kill. It is a duty to your country and therefore you must do it."

D'Artagnan ran a hand through his hair, still pacing, still confused. "You can choose to be a soldier," he retorted. "I chose to be a musketeer. I was not forced into anything."

"That is true," said Aramis, "but some are called to serve their country as soldiers, just as some are called to serve God as priests. It is our calling and we must heed it. It is not a sin for you to be a musketeer because it is your calling."

This made perfect sense, but there was still something that these explanations had not satisfied. Aramis was intelligent; Aramis knew much about morality because his aim was to be a priest. But it was not enough for him.

"That is all very well," d'Artagnan said, "but…How did you deal with these feelings? Why do you not feel guilty?"

Athos sighed. "I suppose it is because we don't know them," he said, speaking for the first time that evening. "Now, you feel guilty because they have done nothing except their duty, just as you were doing yours. But where would we all be if everyone in the service felt guilty over killing? Dead. Those other men are employed to kill you. I find it easier to think in those terms; that if I don't kill them then surely they will kill me, and it wouldn't do my country any good if I were dead." He sighed again, and a sad smile formed on his lips. "It is easier to kill them because you haven't known them."

D'Artagnan nodded. He had never thought about killing them, before. Then he had begun to think about killing his enemies in terms of guilt, because they had done nothing to become his enemies, because he had finally figured out what real enemies where like through his experiences with Milady and the Cardinal. Now he could see himself thinking as Athos thought, and the guilt slowly went away.

"I think I see," he murmured.

"Good," Aramis said. "We shan't want you getting killed over guilt." He stood. "I should check on Porthos. He might realise we're gone and not know where we went." He left.

D'Artagnan made to leave as well, but Athos touched him on the shoulder and he turned around to find the older man, watching him with a grave expression on his face.

"D'Artagnan," he said, "just because you don't feel guilty about killing as a soldier does not mean that you should kill first. If you can prevent it, then prevent it. It is not a good thing to become completely hardened to death. It…it is good to feel guilt every once in a while."

D'Artagnan thought he understood his friend, but he still found himself asking, "Why?"

A sad smile from Athos, gone in a second. "It reminds us that we are still human."


End file.
